Guilty As Charged

Ok, you caught me.

I didn't actually win an Oscar...yet.

When this does happen, however, my speech will be a lot more like this:

"Oh!....my...wowww...erg..."

Followed by a hurricane of tears...

...then an insane bout of explosive diarrhea...

...and then I'll most likely pass out.

But to my family, friends, and fans out there- know that I will try my absolute hardest to give you all the thanks you deserve, unless of course the heavy D gets the better of me.

Love you guys,

B.

Also, thanks to Bitch Rat for her contributions to the Oscar posts. Let's celebrate with a camping trip, eh?

And the Oscar goes to...

BKUZ.

(Wild applause ensues)

Oh wowww.

I always expected to grace this stage someday, but I never knew it would feel this good.

First and foremost, I need to thank (choking up)….God. Our heavenly father. Without him, none of us would be here to celebrate all of the talent on this stage.

I need to of course mention the Academy, who has now shown me that to truly feel like a winner, one must win this award.

I’m just honored to be a part of this category with the all of the slightly less talented people who didn’t win.

Oh don’t play the music! Please…

Mrs. Dreyer, my first grade teacher. Thanks for teaching me how to form a sentence.

For Linda- that one time I dropped my egg salad sandwich on the sidewalk and you brought me a new one.

And for all the ugly people out there- thank you for continually making me feel great about myself. And also, I’m sorry for your unfortunate condition.

Godspeed.